telling a tale!

a soft instrumental piece playing in the visibly ‘silent’ room ,

the smooth rythmic notes filling up the entire space,

with an effort to pacify the turbulence hovering within...

Music, holding greatest of meditative powers, can appease the entire world but when it comes to a tormented human mind, its spell too shrink.

the mind turned to a whirpool

a swirling storm inside 

a quake deep down 

has shaken ,razed,wretched all...brutally culminating in to a ‘collapse’

leaving it feel just numb and dumb

 the soul pierced manifolds ,buried in the grave marked ‘depression’ ...

got dug so deep that no heavenly beauties can  ever reach..

the senses , the sensations .. all feel stucked in the quicksand, struggling endlessly to escape.

the imprisoned soul is invariantly screaming but despairingly muted.... 

the loudest cry died the most painful death and herein 

the hopelessness ‘shrouds’ all the entities that contains ‘life’

the exemplary music playing in the big ’ quiet’ room...  frantically struggling to stop the ‘casket’ shut but a big fail..

got  engulfed in the mourning itself, now sounding counter- affected

the instruments weeping in the background witnessing the ‘life’ drifting away from  ‘life’!

the life devoid of life.... 

the ‘tornado’ driven away the smile on the lips, 

shoved off the shine in the eyes, 

broke down the rhythm in the feet, 

frozen off the snapping of the fingers, 

halted the pace in the walk, 

strangled the gibe in the talk

the routine conversations means  honking ,

the laughter in the group appears devilish,

the concerns shown are  repelling,

the meetings turn out to be panicking,

the intrusive thoughts are distressing ,

a wise speech concluded as being snapped at,

an outing perceived as threat

the thoughts gone haywire

the feelings ambushed

the cognition crumpled

the fluttering heart and corroded head dying with each moment

everything on the verge of an ending

but nothing ends

not for day , not for weeks but for months

trapped and choked

ocean of life stopped 

appeared to last forever but the twist in the tale is 

it’s NOT  for ever

the phoenix ... thats life 

 returns alive

the ocean that dries

filled from sky

the soul that withers

bloom again

the music when plays

rythm do change

the self that breathes

contains power to heal 

Choice!!

Choice!!

i was loosing it for it's been an hour we have been struggling at the same shop!

saira is unable to select a dress i am suppose to give her as an advance b'day gift!!

'vivekk...just wait na...it's not that simple!'
'you don't know how it's like to choose between two of your favourites...you feel like hell when you have to leave one...you just don't know..!'

For a moment,i felt my heart has stopped beating and some cold wave trespassed me, making me numb....
Her words echoing.....
vivek ....you don't know....you just don't know .....choose....feel...hell....leave one...!!!!

i....don't know...i...the one who had to make the 'simplest' choice in life.....choose a parent!!!!

'beta....who you wana live with...mama or papa?'
the most dreadful question ever!

'its your choice beta...nobody will force you...'
my choice!!!!

actually nobody forced me and actually it was my choice....because...i wasn't given an option!!!!

my dad chose me and my mom just left me because she wanna leave my dad.
my choice!!!

'vivekkkk!! help me na!
u are just pathetic at choosing ....'

'yes, i am!'
'what?'
'nothing! let's go to some another place where you can select just one!'

yes, that's the best option when you are left with just one...then u choose...n it's your choice!

'noo...these two are my favourites.
vivek!!!!!
what if i could have the color of this one and fabric n pattern of the second one....!'

'hmmm!
we can get it designed then ...custom dress...
simple!'

lets also get my childhood customized as well.....mama holding my left hand and papa the right one!
simplest!

'vivekkk....why are you always lost?
i just hate you!
you know na i can't get it done!!!!

'why?'

'the designer of this brand will sue me for copying....urghhh! i feel so helpless!!!'

me too...the designer sued me as well....
He too branded them as husband and wife but sued and punished Me for they couldn't sell it well!

Helpless n hopeless!

My left  hand frantically started searching for something in the empty pocket...

'then no chance dear...lets go to some other place,' i said,restlessly.

'Noooo....i want this only...i mean both but actually one....the color of one spread over the fabric of other...ummm...divine!'

Both,i said too!!
color and fabric...heart and soul...mom n dad...!

'No beta....not possible...but the court wont go against your will...u choose one!'
My will!!!
i surrender, my lord!

'lets go, saira!'
'No,do something...make them one na!'

hahaha!!
how childish n stupid, i thought!
But the best wish!!....the heart replied!

'Saira...am not a magician!!!!'

'i just wish you  were, vivek...then i would have been the most happiest person on earth...beaming in the sea of love n all hues of life...!'

i wish too...even i wont be a living dead anymore then...

'what nonsense are you talking?'
'nothing...
so you wont surrender?!!'

'never ever dear...'
ah!sparkling thought!

i wish i haven't too...

'okk dear, even i won't today...lets try some magic.....,' i said, smilingly looking into her hopeful eyes.!

Tale of an insomniac!

Tale of an insomniac!
Everyday routine ....the mind is well conditioned to behave positively in all adverse situations,
well learnt to ignore all the devils.. stress, tension, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, failures ....to
live calm and composed throughout.
Well-trained ghoda!!

Books, music and meditation soothes it and keeps it working honestly, demeaning all the devils.

Somehow one day the masked devils' managed to return...though were beleived to be successfully repressed but cunning enough to hide in the large unresolved land ...the 'unconscious mind'....
the horrible thieves finding a route to the vulnerable brain ,rushed frantically up...to attack it's Alfa and beta waves ,done all the jholjhaal...made it
insomniac!!!!

Unaware, the eyes are bulging out in the deep dark looking for a divine daily thing called 'sleep'!
O sleep,where are you left behind in this dark night...the reddened eyes screamed.
Does the eyes scream?
Yes, when the moonless night snatches away their sweetheart!

Day 1- manageable.... The thoughts full of contagious positivity overpowered.
'don't worry, once in a while the mind needs to react in someway or the other.....let it!
May be you will have a good afternoon sleep tomorrow!'

Day 2- a normal routine with silently burning eyes, accompanied now by the another victim and a comparitively stronger fighter ..the brain.
It too had its complaints now....angrily it said,
'i cant listen to your early morning official boring meetings. I need to relax. Huhh!'
Somehow they both jostled to work!
Proud of them.

But the night again ditched them.
However, they were brave enough to pass through it ...music came ahead to pacify them and make them travel easily through the deep dark!
Its a good friend.

Day 3-not left energetic enough to complain and calculate, resided in silence.
 Mind, body , heart...nobody said anything to anyone.
 Just silence!

Day 4-reviving uneasiness of both the victims affected it badly!
Filled the day with irritation, lethargy, mood swings, confusion,pessimism....they were just determined to waste it.
But no effect on the princess...sleep...still refused to come back !
Hard- hearted she is!

Eyes just given the warning straight away...
'am not gonna read anything for you tonight and just don't dare to ask me to stare at your stupid mobile ...leave me alone'
And the mind...its so funny....changed its zone smartly....refused to think, analyse and learn..
'I don't know these sinful creatures...i ll sit back and imagine'
Imagine.

Twinkle khanna must be having a relaxed sleep after finishing a brilliant write-up.
Kiran bedi too must have retired to her room by now after an another day of arguments with CM.
Even alia bhatt must have went to sleep after partying hard.
All the twitter celebrities must be sleeping too.
Also the alchemist in that book...
All the world is sleeping, except me...what???
Shivered and shaken.
To hell with everybody!!
O sleep...my deariee' where are you? Please come back na!!

last seen....'rishte'

I suddenly realised the value of my new smartphone when i was added to a chatting group 'Friends Forever' by an old schoolmate, taking my world fifteen years back with her 'time-machine'!

'The world once lost and totally forgotten was just an app away...how foolish of me for haven't installed it before!', i thought!

Their re-appearance made me feel mesmerised...enchanted...excited...nostalgic...and what not!!

Here was a totally new but the same old world in front of me.

My classmates were having fun time chatting,with some 'serious' thoughts abt planning a re-union party!!! They were actually arguing about the time and venue.

'Wow! Re-union party!!

 Even after so many years, how close and cool there are!'

 And look at me! I was even unable to recall their faces. I felt a bit ashamed of myself.

Gathering some courage, i posted a 'hello' in the group and to my utmost surprise, it was accepted with the same fondness as they were showing for each other.....that was a big boost up to jump into their world and  be a part of it again,proudly!!

'This online world is such a beautiful and happy place!'

Here the journey begins....chatting, recalling, remembering, rejoicing, re-living....and even making some new friends out of this old world!

'This virtual world is so very real, secure,true and honest. 

I actually got 'friends' which i could never ever find in this real,practical and materialistic world.i accept and i am grateful to this 'smart' world!

Elated and rejuvenated!

Engrossed,the virtual world so easily manipulated the real world....be it a tea-break in office, lunchtime,reading time or an evening nap.....all were taken over by 'chatting'...happily, for being 'online' and being with them seemed to be utmost importance.

Life appeared to be so refreshing! 

Mind looked so happily occupied!

Relations seemed to reflect such an unconditional positivity!

What a bond! Beautiful!

Days passed....all the time being active and chatting! 

Some more days passed....we were still active and chatting, still beginning and ending our days together, still planning a reunion party!!

Days turned into weeks...some people started missing the chats, others apologising for they couldn't participate,another too busy to even wish others once in a day.....but the group was still active and everything looked so genuine! And hopeful..

Still delving on the idea of a reunion party!!

Some more weeks passed....no new notifications...no new messages....everything fading...even personal messages started getting ignored! 

Re-union party??

'Don't worry! We have a very strong bond... Everyone will be soon back from their busy worlds!',the few left behind thought hopefully!

But the hopes were only in thoughts, we soon realised. 

Mind began to sink. Mornings turned sad and depressed. Lunch and tea-breaks totally silent and left alone.Gloomy evenings and thoughtful nights! 

Every little effort to 

wake up the 'unconscious' group was in vain, because it was actually not unconscious but 'dead'!!

People came, people met, people enjoyed and now, they were back to their real lives! 

Real lives! 

Quite normal and practical,as we say!

Really! 

Weren't we real 'online'? 

Weren't  we a part of each other's real life? 

Wasn't the virtual world affecting us 'really'? 

Back in the real world,nothing actually changed.Everything still have to be so normal, fine and practically same.

Then what's the difference? 

Nothing.

But for some 'over-thinkers'...their is...!!!

The lost child!

             The little boy couldn't sleep that whole night....he tried shifting his bed from one place to another but the sound keeps haunting him incessantly....the sound of a crying women...but where was this sound coming from? He had no clue. His parents went to his aunt's place and he was all alone in the house.      

              But isn't it something that keeps troubling him every night n made him almost an insomniac...he desperately wants to get out of it...something was killing him from within...he severely wants help but his fears wont allow him to speak and share his pains!!  

              His parents wont understand him because they beleive no matter how their personal equations are,they have always been good to him and so,everything is perfect at his end.
             'He is so silent because he is an introvert'!

              His classmates often found him sitting in the corner with a sad face, while they are playing, thumping the desks, teasing each other and enjoying the lunch break! Nobody was ever bothered to ask him if he has any problem because they are so convinced with each other while saying, "arre use rehne do, yeh aisa hi hai!"
             His mentors also found him a sincere and an innocent student.

             The irony was that his such positive social feedback suppressed him even more as all the doors for the much needed outlet were already shut! Nobody could ever feel his fading smile and questioning eyes, leave aside his bruised mind!
             He undergoes that pain each moment and no element in the society can ever help him, because supposedly he is one of the perfect kids every parent want....obedient, well-mannered and such a cutie pie!
             For once to be thought, couldn't he have led a normal childhood, had he chose to speak up his mind??!
            Had he chose to shout and complain about how his father tortures his mother everyday! Had he chose to tell everyone how his mother keeps weeping behind those closed doors that another day! Had he chose to be brave enough to take her mother out of all this mess, rather than being a silent and unnoticed witness! But how?
            No school course ever taught him to deal with such situations! No parenting ever allowed him to go against family! No laws ever provided him any security...mental or physical, to gather that courage within and protest!
            Though with the changing times, women are being provided with some measures under domestic violence act but with what releif to such 'never existing' witnesses! His childhood was snatched from him,without ever being noticed!! But why??
Was it all about his choices??

'she'

As soon as he entered the office,i said "congratulations,sir!".
My other colleague gave me a surprised look,so i told him," sir is blessed with a baby last week"

'O realy...i didn't know that!!!! Cong....'
and...he was immediately stopped with a murmuring from another colleague explaining..'ladki hui hai....'!

I was like,"sir......???"

He replied in a soft voice, 'madam wo hamare yahan ladki ki badhaai nahi dete na'

I was a bit taken aback.
The first thing that came to my mind was...'oh! this is the reason Punjab still has the lowest sex ratio in india,where even the working class has to live in such cultural compulsions'.

Not that i have any complaints against them...infact each one of them has always been kind to me and helped me survive in this tough work environment,for which i am always thankful to them.

Not only that,that morning itself they wished me a happy birthday!!
But now i began to give it a second thought....'how can my birth day be 'happy' when i birth itself never was'.....tough question to ask !!!

And today,october 11,when i am writing this,its 'Universal day of the Girl Child' as declared by the United Nations,with the purpose of increasing awareness of 'gender inequality' faced by girls worldwide based on their gender.

Long way to bridge the gap but how long the journey would be....??

That made me a bit conscious,re-thinking about the contradictory world i am living in...looking for an answer to the same question again...."till the world balances itself,should i behave more like a female or a human?"

'ज़िन्दगी'

ख़ामोशी से चल के मेरे पास आती है....      
अपनी कहानी चुपके से मुझे सुनाती है..
                                      
हर रोज़ इक नयी दास्ताँ होती है उसकी.....
  
इक पल आवाज़ दे के बुलाती है मुझे..
फिर गुमसुम सी हो के कुछ दूर चली जाती है..          
कभी कहे आसमान छूना है मुझे..
कभी रात के सन्नाटे में चुप सी हो जाती है...                
कभी लगे रंग बिखेरती तितली जैसी...
कभी बन जाये उलझी सी पहेली ऐसी..                        
जिसका हर कदम एहसास बन जाये...
जिसका बीत जाना याद बन जाये..
                             
वो अनजान सी कुछ अपनी सी मेरी 'ज़िन्दगी' कहलाती है।